President Trump recently participated in an interview with Time Magazine’s Michael Scherer for a cover story about his relationship with the truth. Predictably, this conversation really tested the limits of irony.
Like the fleeting majesty of a lunar eclipse over the Cliffs of Moher or the long-awaited migratory return of the Shelducks from the North Sea, it is time once again to herald the arrival of Uncle O’Grimacey for his annual tribute to the people of our nation, to ready my weary tastebuds for the frigid, minty mirth they have so dearly missed.
For twelve dreadful months, I have longed for this glorious respite from the cursed monotony of chocolate, vanilla and strawberry, for a window of time, albeit grossly curtailed, in which to cleanse my palate of this criminally humdrum triad, and indulge in the delight of your glacial, golden-arched potable, emerald as the boundless azure pastures through which I frolicked as a wee lad, replete with the very clovers that bear your name.
Dublin moans ‘neath the merciless weight of noontide hunger, a gnawing in the bellies of man, a thirst burning in their barren gullets, while I, alone, must navigate the further indignity of an ill-scheduled 1 PM meeting, looming before me like the trained bow of Artemis.
Alas, here I sit, idling my automobile, overwrought and hollow, a single vertebrae in the collective serpent of my famished brethren curled anxiously before your speaker box, proclaiming my desire for a pattied ground beef sandwich, one-fourth of a pound in size, and sliced potatoes fried and salted like the gentle snows atop the crests of the Carauntoohil mountains. Obligatory victuals, it seems, only to accompany the true object of my excursion — to suckle the toothsome strawfuls of your wintry Celtic-themed libation as briskly as I can manage, a carnal act performed with full awareness that such pace shall certainly heighten my risk of developing an Arctic cranial ache of epic proportion. No matter, the suffrage will be brief and deserved and pale in compare to the forthcoming Grimaconian rapture.
As our transaction has reached its conclusion, I am faced with a wholly unenviable decision. Shall I suffer the ignominy of gorging in isolation within the confines of this very vehicle, shielding my visage so that no man may glimpse the barbarism I have succumbed to ‘neath the oppressive cloak of capitalism? Or shall I return to the labyrinthian three-walled prison of my employ to ingest this noble fare, subjecting myself to the scrupulous eyes of my colleagues, namely Sandra from Payroll who will surely inform me, in her loathsome Sandra manner, of the 840 “empty” calories contained in my beloved, viridian frappe. Perhaps Sandra should attend to her own caloric affairs, as her backside has expanded to near bovine proportions, of late.
It is now, at this precise moment when I become woefully aware of the cruel transience of this seasonal offering, rarely lingering beyond the Marigold blooms of latter March, and at once I am lost amidst a magnificent vision, one in which our hallowed Saint Patrick himself is riding shotgun alongside me in this very Camry, with his own Shamrock Shake in hand, the chartreuse froth seeping down his wooly beard, the confirmation of sixteen centuries of legacy and consequence coming to bear upon his face in a grin of immeasurable gratification and sharply elevated glycemic index.
Data released by the United Nations find that the United States isn’t just first in the world in commissioning memoirs from Twitter users and putting cookies on sticks and frying them—we’re also first in overall opiate use.
In a period of less than two weeks, 10 Black and Latinx teenagers have disappeared in the Washington, D.C., area, The Root reports. But it's very likely that you haven't seen their faces or heard their names unless you faithfully watch local news, follow the D.C. Police Department’s Twitter account, or you happen to be a friend or relative of one of these missing kids.
But thanks to Twitter user @BlackMarvelGirl, who shared pictures of the eight Black girls who had been reported missing, the news quickly went viral last weekend. Some of these teenagers have thankfully been found in the last couple of days, but that still leaves two questions unanswered: Where are the remaining kids, and why hasn't this made national news?
Currently, two 13-year-olds, Yahshaiyah Enoch and Aniya McNeil; five 15-year-olds, Juliana Otero, Jacqueline Lassey, Dashann Trikia Wallace, Dayana White, and Morgan Richardson; and one 16-year-old, Talisha Coles, are still missing.
"What we need is a citywide alert about the dangers out here and how parents can protect their children," Sharece Crawford, a member of an Advisory Neighborhood Commission in Southeast Washington, told the Washington Post. "Residents are very worried. They are wondering if the city is taking this seriously. They say things like, 'If white girls were disappearing uptown, there would be a state of emergency.'"
She makes a legitimate point.
Cases in which young, attractive white women from middle- or upper-class households go missing tend to get much more media attention than instances where women of color disappear — especially if they are from low-income families. The late PBS reporter Gwen Iffil coined the term "missing white woman syndrome" to describe this phenomenon.
Think of all the media coverage about the case of Karina Vetrano, the 30-year-old jogger who was brutally beaten, raped, and killed in Queens, NY, last August. Now think of Marilyn Reynoso, the 20-year-old Latina from the Bronx, NY, who disappeared in late July, and whose body was found about a week later. It's likely that you have not heard about Reynoso, even though her disappearance and murder occurred at around the same time as Vetrano's, because it wasn't widely publicized.
The disconnect in how the media reports about the violent crimes against white women versus women of color is incredibly problematic, particularly when you consider that about 40% of all the missing people in the U.S. are people of color, according to the figures offered to the Post by Derrica Wilson, co-founder of the Black & Missing Foundation.
“Everyone should be angry that this is happening in our community, but our community needs to step up and take action,” she said.
Chanel Dickerson, the new commander of the D.C. police’s Youth and Family Services Division, told the Post that the number of missing children cases in the city was shocking to her. The District in particular seems to have a big issue when it comes to the disappearance of young people, and young women, especially. FOX 5 reported that in January there were about 15 active cases involving missing teenage girls at the same time.
According to Dickerson, many of them involve runaways. Still, she has promised each case would receive an equal amount of publicity and attention.
WASHINGTON—Saying that you will have no choice but to discover them one by one as news unfolds, a report released Tuesday concluded that you will learn the names of three separate reprehensible public officials this week. “Before the week is up, the identity of three public officials whom you previously didn’t know existed will be revealed to you based solely on their utterly disgraceful conduct,” read the report in part, adding that even a casual scan of the week’s headlines will be sufficient to introduce the names of these three loathsome individuals into your vocabulary. “While the names you’ll learn this week might belong to individuals who serve the government in different capacities, all will be equally despicable. You might become acquainted with them from their separate betrayals of public trust or from their contributions to a single larger outrage—either way, there is no avoiding ...